Old Ares Had a Farm
Synopsis A quaint village. A bar scene. Xena and Gabrielle enter the tavern. They order. Xena notices some fellows in warlord garb and excuses herself. She questions them. She asks if so-and-so didn't ride with so-and-so (one of them was called Atilla), and Ahab the Lame. Then she asks if this is a "scumbag convention." "What brings you cut throats together?" The guys get all riled and ready to fight. Xena puts the pinch on the first guy who says he isn't going to tell her anything, and then lots of fighting ensues. Gabrielle joins in. Whack, Whack, don't talk back. After the room is cleared, Xena returns to the dying pinched guy. He says a guy has a price on his head and all the warlords want him dead. Xena undoes the pinch and asks who the guy is they're after. They are after Ares because he is mortal now. The warlords Ares upset all want their revenge. Xena looks angry. Ares walks down a path. Some little guy jumps out and says he's going to kill Ares. Xena and Gabrielle appear beside Ares. The little guy runs. Xena tells Ares he has a price on his head and he should assume a new identity. Ares says he could get into reinventing himself. He asks Xena what she has in mind. Xena says, "How are you at shoveling "bleep"." Ares says he would rather he and Xena go and kick warlord butt. But Xena and Gabrielle take Ares to an old farmstead, which is "just as I remember it," according to Xena. She recalls her grandmother telling her stories of the Olympian gods -- "whom you then slaughtered," Ares interrupts -- and how good it all was. Ares does not look pleased at the condition of the old rundown place. Back at the tavern, the little guy boasts he killed the god of war. Another warlord type says no you didn't, but you have seen him, that was a good description. The little guy says Ares and two women were headed toward some valley. A pastoral scene. Ares is on the porch with his shirt off. Xena and Gabrielle are pretending to be on The Dukes of Hazzard. Xena tells Ares to get to work. Ares looks at Xena's butt as she climbs a ladder. Ares goes outside to get a pile of rags he hid earlier, but they are gone. Gabrielle is also missing a boot. A neighbor lady comes by and tells them a warlord is on his way into the valley. There are crude jokes, comments, and looks. Xena gets back into her warrior clothes and tells Gabrielle and Ares to keep working whilst she goes to see the warlord. She goes into Warlord Gaskar's camp. She tells him she can give him Ares' head on a platter. Gaskar wants to know why Xena didn't take out Ares when she was killing all the other Olympians. Xena says Ares was a coward and he ran. Gaskar says he doesn't need Xena. Xena says she doesn't want money, it's personal. She says also, what if the rumor of Ares' mortality isn't true? Only Xena can kill gods, after all. Back on the farm, Gabrielle tells Ares it was nice of him to give up his mortality to save her and Eve. Ares says he was only saving Eve because if Eve had died, Athena would have killed Xena. "You were just an afterthought." "Thanks anyway," Gabrielle says. Xena enters. She is delighted that the chimney is cleaned and a fire is burning. She says she and her brothers sat by the fire and told ghost stories. She says she misses her brothers sometimes. Ares says that the thief is still there and lists some other items that are now missing besides rags and boots. Gabrielle says maybe the thief is a ghost. The roof begins to leak a lot. Xena goes into a bedroom that has not yet been opened and says the roof is not leaking in there. Ares looks in and sees a big beg. He suggests they all three sleep in the bed. Xena and Gabrielle look skeptical but then decide they are all grown ups. Xena and Ares spoon and spar in the bed, change positions, Gabrielle rolls over and puts her hand over Ares' crotch. Xena removes Gabrielle's hand. Ares says he is in Tartarus. Next morning, Xena is upset because her breast plate is missing. There are drag marks from the breast plate being dragged away. Xena finds most of the missing stuff buried in the garden. Ares goes over to a log and says there is a wolf in the log. Xena and Gabrielle look in. It is a dog. The dog licks Ares. Gabrielle and Xena rub the dog's tummy. Ares says he doesn't want a dog. Gabrielle says a dog is good. "Is there anything you and I agree on?" Ares asks Gabrielle. Gabrielle looks at Xena. "Oh yeah. Anything else?" The dog jumps on Xena. Gabrielle and Xena go into town for supplies, leaving Ares alone on the farm. He works on the roof of the house. The neighbor lady comes by. She talks about her dead husband and says war is bad. She asks Ares about his "daughters" and tells him he looks old, but fit, and has grey hair. Ares climbs back on the roof and falls through it. Xena returns to find Ares lying in a pile of rubble in the middle of the floor. He says he aches all over. The dog licks him. Gabrielle comes back with a wagon with a pig, a cow, and chickens. Xena tells Ares to kill a chicken for dinner. He likes that idea much better than farm chores. He takes his sword and tries to kill the chicken. Xena tells Gabrielle that once Ares is set up, they are out of there. Gabrielle says Xena is there to relive her childhood memories. Xena says she was happy at the farm, it was peaceful, and she felt safe, and ever since then her life has been anything but. Gabrielle says we'll enjoy it here while we can. They watch as Ares torments the chickens trying to catch one. Xena calls out to Ares that her plan is working. Gaskar's army is coming right toward them. Xena puts her warrior clothes back on. She disappears. Gabrielle tears her blouse and goes outside to distract the warlord party while Ares changes clothes. She flirts with the warlord. Ares comes out and tells his little woman to git her butt back in the house now. The warlords laugh at him. They ask if he has seen Ares, then smack him around some. Xena comes riding up. She says that the farmer isn't Ares. The warlord guy wants Xena to put the pinch on the "farmer." Xena reluctantly does so, saying, she'll hurt the farmer "you and your little dog, too" and the "farmer" says Ares went toward some pass a few days away. Xena tells the warlords she'll head for the pass. The warlords return to their camp. Gabrielle comes out and tells Ares he shouldn't have copped an attitude with the warlords. Ares says the dog is the only one who loves him. He adopts the dog and names him Horace. Xena milks a cow. She and Gabrielle discuss proper milking techniques. A man comes by. He is a traveling salesman, looking for his dog. The dog runs away, but the man catches him. Ares is sad about the dog. He warlords approach the traveling salesman as he is peddling his wares. He has one of Ares' gauntlets for sale. The warlords ask where it came from. The salesman says from some farm a ways back; his dog found it. Ares misses his gauntlets. The neighbor lady comes by and says the army is returning. Xena goes to Gaskar. Gaskar says he knows Xena is covering for Ares for some reason. Gabrielle comes in. Xena looks surprised. Gabrielle says, did you really think you could fall in love with Ares and just leave me? I'll tell you where he is, Gaskar, and repay Xena for her treachery (or something like that). Gabrielle chest-butts Xena. Xena and Gabrielle begin fighting and tearing up the tent. The warlord and his men leave to go to whatever cave Gabrielle says Ares is cowering in. Gabrielle and Xena stop fighting and congratulate each other. Horace the dog returns to Ares. Xena and Gabrielle ride up. They say the warlords have gone to the cave where some eight-headed monster lives and won't be back. Xena tells Ares he should try to be a farmer. He says when the chickens are all dead he will leave. Xena says if he stays as a farmer, she might come to see him. Ares goes to kiss Xena but she moves. Xena and Gabrielle ride off. Xena tells Gabrielle she learned that she can't look for peace in the world around you, you find it in your own heart. She says she was lucky when she was little and she's lucky now. Gabrielle says, "Me too." Memorable quotes *'Gabrielle': It's amazing he's bonded with the dog. Xena: Well, that dog worships him. That's a relationship Ares can understand. *'Xena': Uh, Ares my plan's working perfectly. Ares: You planned to drive me insane? Xena: No, my plan to deal with Gasgar. *'Gabrielle': Xena, I'm beginning to lose my appetite. Xena: Well, let's give it a try. Sometimes, these places have great food. Won't be a sec. Pardon me didn't you used to ride with Ahab the lame? *'Xena': Ares, what are you doing? Ares: Oh, I'm just lying here, smelling my mortality. Every muscle in my body aching. I have gray hair. And the dog has its tongue in my mouth. *'Ares': Is there anything the two of us agree on? (Gabrielle looks at Xena) Oh yeah. Anything else? *'Ares': (to Xena) What brings you here? Animal magnetism? *'Gabrielle': (after acting like a slut to help fool the soldiers) I was just playing with my character. I just used the first thing that popped into my head. Ares: I think that says a lot about you. *''(After putting "the pinch" on Ares, who's disguised as a farmer)'' Xena: You are going to be dead in thirty seconds, you and your little dog too, if you don't tell me have you seen Ares, the God of War? *''(Gasgar's men ride up to the house)'' Xena: I'll be out back. Wouldn't do to find the warrior princess hanging out on a farm *'Xena:' My grandmother used to sit in this chair and rock and tell me stories of the Olympian gods. '''Ares: '''Bet she didn't know you'd grow up to kill most of them Cast * Lucy Lawless as Xena * Reneé O'Connor as Gabrielle Background information and notes Continuity and mistakes * When Xena takes Gabrielle's hand off Ares, you can see that Renee O'Connor is shaking with suppressed laughter. * When the dog jumps on Ares and starts licking him, you can tell that there is some sort of food on his neck and shoulder. * When Ares hops out of bed and goes out on the balcony, he is clearly on the second floor of the house. It turns out that the bedroom was always on the second floor. You can see the window on the second floor when the house is shown at the beginning of the episode, and when Ares falls through the ceiling, you can see the ladder * When Gabrielle knocks the table over, it lands with the legs up in the air. In the next shot of Ares walking past, it's lying on its side. Disclaimer * Ares went to the dogs in the making of this motion picture